It's been too long since my last post, but actually nothing really that exciting has happened. So I'll just pretend I didn't ignore this blog for two (three?) months.
As it turns out, that exuberant optimism that I had at the turn of the year, isn't quite so exuberant at this point. It's actually kind of just limping along with a lot of lower back pain. Mostly from falling and getting back up over and over again. I actually did fall, and did get up, but that was meant to be personification too. I'm a English teacher, y'know?
So at the moment, I'm struggling with the perennial questions that seem to have started as a whisper and are now, quite literally, screaming at me on a daily basis. When I'm washing my face in the sink and I see the wrinkles getting more and more crepey around my eyes. Laugh lines yes, but wrinkly none the less. When I am driving to work and I see all the women my age dropping off their TEENAGERS at school. Ouch. That one is a tough one to swallow. When I look at some of the friends I had ten years ago and they have ALL (except one) gotten married, and some of them divorced and REmarried, in the same time that I've managed to find exactly NO ONE.
Yah. Those are the times.
Question: Will I ever find someone who will fall in love with me?
Question: Do I even know how to build that kind of relationship any more?
Question: What if I don't?
Question: How do I live the life I want for myself alone?
Question: Is that even possible?
I'm facing another season of summer freedom. For the most part, as a teacher, I should be thrilled at the anticipation of all this free time. Sadly, it's more terrifying and sobering than anything else. Sure, I've got all the time in the world to go ANYWHERE and do ANYTHING. But guess what, I've got no one to go with me. And don't get me wrong, I'm not afraid to travel solo or do things by myself. I just don't WANT to do them alone all the time. I want to have someone to build shared experiences with. I want to have someone to point at some cool discovery or amazing architecture and say "WOW. Look at that!!" I want to have someone to lay down next to me after a day of adventure to recount the most hysterical moments of the day with. I want to sit in silence in the morning and drink coffee in a small cafe and look at the people walking by on the street, giving each other a knowing glance, and flipping the newspaper to the next page with a small giggle under my breath... I want to feel deeply in love and loved by someone who wants to know me inside... I want to love and know someone, flaws and all, in a way that makes me love him more because of the stupid imperfections...
My heart broke after what happened with Kyle. We have figured out how to be friendly again, which is nice. But it does make me realize that I thought he might be someone that I could build a future with. Perhaps it was very premature on my part, and naive to think that I'd know that after three months of virtual reality... but whatever. The lesson there is that I REALLY want to find someone to spend my life with. And that is so hard to do at my age, in the virtual world we live in. And now, on top of everything else, I'm gun-shy again because that heartbreak shit HURTS like a motherfucker.
I fall down. I get up. It's what I do. But, seriously... I'm just tired and would like to just stroll for a while.
