About two months ago, my friend from ED, Betsy Shelton, randomly introduced me to a long time friend of hers via Facebook. We will call him K. K is the director of the state intelligence office for the Michigan State Troopers. Betsy and I happened to be emailing randomly after many months of not chatting.
Somehow, she put together that she should connect me with K. Which she did. At the time she introduced us, K was in Monterey for a conference. Unfortunately, we didn't have a chance to meet face to face, but we've been getting to know each other virtually since then.
Suffice it to say, it's been really fun. He is super smart, and witty, and I'm enjoying the conversations. He's quite attentive and tends to be straightforward which is something I can so appreciate after all the
The other night when I was flying home on my 5.5 hour flight, we chatted for about 2 hours. The night before, 2 hours. And he's on vacation in Cambodia, visiting his brother, who lives there. Sweet, right.
And here comes the but...
Well, the obvious first "but" is that he lives in Michigan. And it's 6 years before he can retire/move.
But that isn't even the biggest concern I have. He wants kids. He wants his OWN kids. And I'm 44. He's 43. Not so much an issue for him. But a much bigger challenge for my 44 year old body. We actually talked about that fact on the plane. It doesn't seem to have put him off but I'm feeling so sad about the fact that at my age, I'm finally starting to want kids, the husband, all that... and it's essentially "too late" in terms of my ability to have my own genetic children.
I've spent so much of my life neglecting this part of my life that this part of my life feels like it's slipping away from me.
I honestly never thought I'd be in this position of wanting kids. It started in DC when I wasn't teaching. I think being away from kids on a daily basis, not having the ability to nurture, made me feel it for the first time. I've never spoken a word to anyone about it because if feels so ridiculous.
I am perfectly okay with adopting, with surrogacy, with anything that could make it a possibility for me... but there is a part of me that is so mad at myself. Why didn't I listen to Betty 10 years ago when she told me to freeze my eggs. LOL
Truthfully, let's just look at this in a non-emotional way. I'm 44. By the time I'm ready to start the process of having a child (in whatever form) it's likely to be about 2 years from now. Which means I'm 46. Impossible.
I need to go do yoga. And a few shots. And one day at a time.
I do think it's smart to take the emotions out of this for a little. Meet him first. See what happens then. People have a way of changing their minds about things that used to seem important when they meet "the one".
ReplyDeleteIn the meantime, I totally agree with the yoga and shots idea.