Answer of the Day: So It Turns Out There Are Maybe More Questions Than Answers

It's been too long since my last post, but actually nothing really that exciting has happened.  So I'll just pretend I didn't ignore this blog for two (three?) months.

As it turns out, that exuberant optimism that I had at the turn of the year, isn't quite so exuberant at this point.  It's actually kind of just limping along with a lot of lower back pain.  Mostly from falling and getting back up over and over again.  I actually did fall, and did get up, but that was meant to be personification too.  I'm a English teacher, y'know?

So at the moment, I'm struggling with the perennial questions that seem to have started as a whisper and are now, quite literally, screaming at me on a daily basis.  When I'm washing my face in the sink and I see the wrinkles getting more and more crepey around my eyes.  Laugh lines yes, but wrinkly none the less.  When I am driving to work and I see all the women my age dropping off their TEENAGERS at school.  Ouch.  That one is a tough one to swallow.  When I look at some of the friends I had ten years ago and they have ALL (except one) gotten married, and some of them divorced and REmarried, in the same time that I've managed to find exactly NO ONE.

Yah. Those are the times.

Question: Will I ever find someone who will fall in love with me?

Question: Do I even know how to build that kind of relationship any more?

Question: What if I don't?

Question: How do I live the life I want for myself alone?

Question: Is that even possible?

I'm facing another season of summer freedom.  For the most part, as a teacher, I should be thrilled at the anticipation of all this free time.  Sadly, it's more terrifying and sobering than anything else.  Sure, I've got all the time in the world to go ANYWHERE and do ANYTHING.  But guess what, I've got no one to go with me. And don't get me wrong, I'm not afraid to travel solo or do things by myself.  I just don't WANT to do them alone all the time.  I want to have someone to build shared experiences with.  I want to have someone to point at some cool discovery or amazing architecture and say "WOW. Look at that!!" I want to have someone to lay down next to me after a day of adventure to recount the most hysterical moments of the day with.  I want to sit in silence in the morning and drink coffee in a small cafe and look at the people walking by on the street, giving each other a knowing glance, and flipping the newspaper to the next page with a small giggle under my breath... I want to feel deeply in love and loved by someone who wants to know me inside... I want to love and know someone, flaws and all, in a way that makes me love him more because of the stupid imperfections...

My heart broke after what happened with Kyle.  We have figured out how to be friendly again, which is nice.  But it does make me realize that I thought he might be someone that I could build a future with.  Perhaps it was very premature on my part, and naive to think that I'd know that after three months of virtual reality... but whatever.  The lesson there is that I REALLY want to find someone to spend my life with.  And that is so hard to do at my age, in the virtual world we live in.  And now, on top of everything else, I'm gun-shy again because that heartbreak shit HURTS like a motherfucker.

I fall down. I get up.  It's what I do.  But, seriously... I'm just tired and would like to just stroll for a while.

Answer of the Day: Maybe Age Really Doesn't Matter

According to Lynn Snowden Picket, in her essay "In Praise of Younger Men" American women "find it easy to summarily reject younger men." She then says, "Too bad. They could be denying themselves the greatest relationship of their lives."  She then goes on to list all the benefits of a relationship with a younger man... no baggage, the sex, younger men grew up post women's lib so they have a much different view of women (hey... great point!)...

Now this could definitely be a coincidence, but I also happened to turn on Bethenny for no apparent reason on Friday afternoon and the three men on the panel of "experts" were all men who were in relationships with women 10, 20, 30 years older than they are.  Apparently blissfully happy.

Clearly, I shouldn't just arbitrarily dismiss someone just because he is younger right?

RIGHT?

I want to believe that relationships, at their core, are about compatibility, and chemistry, and shared life goals (this is where the age thing becomes a bit more challenging)... not age.

So why the big BUT leaning over my shoulder?

I like him.  He likes me.  We should just meet.  It's just a fucking date.

RIGHT?

I'm not Madonna or Tina or J.Lo, but still.  It's just a date.

Answer of the Day: Slow Your Roll Sister

So, it's been a really challenging time the last few weeks since things ended abruptly after my trip to Michigan.  Breakups are never easy.  But the lessons that I have to learn from every relationship are important.  I've learned a few things from this experience, not the least of which is that I will NEVER do a long distance relationship EVER again.

Here's why:

1.  The beginning of a relationship has enough challenges in terms of getting to know each other, the last thing you need is thousands of miles between you.  Even though it does force you to have more conversations and less physical contact, it creates, I think an artificial sense of commitment to each other.  It makes you reach out more often in order to "connect" and that constant contact makes it so much harder if things don't work out.

2.  For someone like me, who tends to rush into things too quickly, fall too fast anyway, pick out china and start scouting wedding locations before the relationship is even solidified, the distance adds additional accelerators.  For example, when you start dating someone who lives in, say, Michigan, part of the equation from the very beginning is, say, who will be able to "move" if/when the relationship reaches that point.  This is problematic for a whole lot of reasons, mostly in that before you've even met, you're forced to consider factors that in more traditional, local dating scenarios, you don't need to start thinking along those lines for many many months.

3. Virtual chemistry doesn't mean shit. Self-Explanatory.


I could probably go on... but those are the biggest and most important lessons I've learned.  And about me, I've learned that I must slow my roll.  Take my time.  I want so much to be in love.  To be loved in return.  And it's hard to be patient.  But it will be worth it.

Answer of the Day: Try to Find Peace in the Pieces

The problem with dating is that there are only two possible conclusions: stay together or end it. I chose one of the most risky and difficult ways to "date" someone, via a long distance relationship, and it didn't work out. 

Now I'm left to try to find some peace through the sadness and put the pieces of my heart back together.

My time in Michigan was great. And I was blindsided by the fact that it wasn't mutual on his part. But I am a big girl and I will recover. The lesson in all of the this recovery process, this finding peace in the pieces of my heart, is to work harder to not let myself get ahead of things too quickly. I was conscious that I was doing it, and I tried to keep myself in check. But it didn't stop me from envisioning the coming months, the coming years... That's where the real heartbreak is.

It's so hard to keep believing that the right person is out there for me. It's a grueling process to keep putting myself in a position of vulnerability. But there is no way around it. There are no shortcuts.  And speaking of shortcuts, there is no way I will ever do a long distance relationship with someone else again. You heard it here. Three strikes I'm out. 

Answer of the Day: Go Find an Answer in Lansing. Michigan.

So, as I write this post I am en route to Detroit, somewhere over Wyoming I think. I have taken the hugest leap of faith ever and am going to spend the weekend in Lansing Michigan with Kyle. Gotta get some answers to this question: is this for real???  

Since December we have spoken for hours upon hours, had several movie "dates" -- I do not recommend The Numbers Station-- his pick. There is a reason you haven't heard if it. I hadn't either. I do recommend Runner Runner though,  Not only is it entertaining, based on real life, and interesting. You get to look at Justin Timberlake and Ben Affleck for and hour and half. so even if the movie sucked, it wouldn't be a total loss in my opinion. (I picked that one and even got the concession that it was a better pick than his.😊)

....phone calls, FaceTime... You name it we have employed every possible for of communication possible for two people who are 2300 miles apart.  And it has been fucking amazing. No, like really. 

So the huge question is: does all the chemistry and the investment of the last four months (all started in  November translate to real life? Which begs the next obvious question:if it does translate! what comes next for the Michigan State Police Director of Intelligence and the Los Altos High school English teacher?

We have both been very deliberate about not getting too far ahead of ourselves. So it is hard not to feel a lot of excitement coupled (pun very much intended) with a bit if pressure about this weekend. But whatever happens, I will start to get some answers in about an hour and a half... 

Answer of the Day: Don't Bet Against the Seahawks in the Super Bowl

Especially when paying for a couples massage is on the line. You will lose. But in this case it might be a total WIN... 

Answer of the Day: Keeping Boundaries is Easy, but Not Really.

I've been thinking a lot about boundaries lately.  Literally, like fences, that are intended to keep IN the things you want and value, and keep OUT destructive or predatory factors. 

I've been struggling somewhat with both of these issues for a long time.  And as a result of all the work I've done in the last part of 2013 to really begin to deal with regaining my happiness, I feel like I need to be absolutely vigilant about keeping up fences in my professional life.  If I don't, all the predators, in the form of grading, teachers' issues, and stress will begin to zap my energy again and I will lose focus on my personal goals: balance, relationships, health, connection, fun.

Conversely, the opposite seems to be my struggle in my personal world. Tearing down SOME of the "protective fencing" is part of the process when you are trying to establish relationships. Calculated risk is required. Sadly, those fences are not only steeled and plated, they've been there so long they are now covered in knotty muscled vines that need a weed-whacker on steroids to remove.

No joke.  The very same fences that I need in one area of my life also need to be scaled back a little (a lot) in other areas.  Here's the visual in my mind.

What I need in my Professional Life:

What I need in my Personal Life:

These visual images actually help me to keep myself in balance in terms of all my fencing... lol.

Answer of the Day: Avoid Underselling Yourself-- Honey, you got it goin' on!

This week I was chatting online with, Mo, who lives in the great state of Utah, in Salt a Lake- the City!  She is a wise friend, who somehow manages to always know how to say the exact right thing to me at the exact right time. It's sort of uncanny how she accomplishes this.
Here is a portion of that conversation...

what's with all the self doubt, B???

ME: it's me Mo.  I am a ball of insecurity when it comes to my personal life...

look at my track record, doesn't it sort of speak volumes!

I'm working hard to change that track in my head... but a lifetime of habits don't change overnight.

okay - here's my wisdom for what it is worth...everyone has a shitty track record until they meet the right person...and 50% have a shitty track record even after that!

ME: you are totally right

my wise friend. i miss you

but your biggest flaw is CONSISTENTLY selling yourself short

exactly

ME: you nailed it

First of all, I'm amazed at the the wonderment that is real friendship.  I could say this much about each of my girlfriends: we really know each other.  We have been through hell and high water together and that is something.  I'm so grateful for the mirrors I have in the form of my girlfriends who feed back to me what I need to see, good, bad, or ugly.

After this conversation, I put on my (hot pink) big girl panties, my black VS bra, made myself up so I was feeling myself like I should be and remembered that I have got it goin' on!

I'm smart, funny, generous, accomplished, witty, intelligent, considerate, attractive--- and I'm well loved by so many of the most amazing friends and family.  I need to stop underselling myself and remember that any MAN should have to show me he is WORTHY of me.  And most importantly, the right man, knows this and reminds me of it everyday.

Answer of the Day: Small Change is Good Change

I am not the most patient person when it comes to getting what I want. I've worked REALLY hard in the last ten years to remember that small change, the slow tightening of a screw, little by little, eventually keeps things in place. 

That's why starvation diets don't work.
That's why jumping into relationships doesn't work.
That's why trying to implement gigantic reforms or overhauls in education doesn't work. 

That doesn't mean that every once in a while you can't throw caution to the wind and just live with your hair on fire. God, life would be so boring if we didn't do that once in a while... But as a regular mode of operandi, trying to be patient and make incremental change is a good thing, as Martha Stewart would say.

When I was young, for many years, my aunt would save up all her left over change in a sock.  When the sock was full, she would invite me over to her house to count up all the money, put it into those bank issued paper rolls and then we'd go to the bank, cash them in and she'd let me have all the money.  This usually amounted to somewhere between fifty and sixty dollars, sometimes a little more, sometimes a little less.  But for a ten year old, that was time well spent! Frankly for a fourty four year old, it's time well spent.

Anyway. 

A few years ago I started doing the same thing.  I've done different things with the money in the jar.  I tried to start tradition with Lea's first born, Dylan, for Christmas-- giving him a jar that he could count and then collect dollars for.  Which he did.  But then Lea recycled the jar and so now, I'm deciding if I'm going to continue giving away dollars that way or just the old fashioned paper money way.  I've used it to get a pedicure.  I've gone to dinner and a movie.  Just fun little things that I normally would do.

Anyway.

By the time I check in on my jar of money, it's usually around the same, fifty or sixty bucks!  I'm always amazed at how money that collects in the bottom of my purse, my book bag, my cup holders in the car, turns into serious cash after slow accumulation.

It's a good lesson about making small changes that add up to big change.  I feel like this is where I am in my personal life.  I've been making small changes:  the (mostly) daily gratitude posts, the small changes to my diet, the weekly therapy visits that help me stay focused on ME and WHAT I WANT, the short and frequent walks with Lucy, trying to write and read more, making more time for friends and family; these are all small changes that are starting to add up. All the things that are making me feel more HAPPY are adding up and putting me in the frame of mind that invites more HAPPY to my life.

This morning as I was out walking Lucy, I realized for the first time in about a year, I didn't wake up with a sense of heaviness.  There was a lightness that I haven't felt for quite some time.  There is no question in my mind that this lightness is the result of the cumulative changes I've been making. 

It feels good to be feeling excited about things again.  Six months ago I started working mindfully on rediscovering my HAPPY.  I feel her starting to wake up and shake her groove thing again...